Sometimes shortcuts turn into detours. Tuesday, my shortcut became an unexpected adventure. The week (short as it was) had been a real bear. I was looking forward to working from home Wednesday so I could get caught up on some projects due by Thursday.

I decided to take the long way home – to save time. I know, I know, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line… unless you’re dealing with rush hour traffic. The laws of physics rarely seem to apply down the stop-and-go corridor of a busy city street. (Although time does seem to stand still more frequently than not).

So, I decided to skip the regular direct route in favor of the fast-moving highways. The traffic was heavy, but wasn’t tethered to regular red lights. I had the music streaming loudly. “So Cruel” was the current selection. The rhythm matched the pulse of automobile engines racing with me and zooming toward me. But an odd beat crashed the expected tempo.

Was that a black flash in the twilight or did the dark of night descend with a thud? And what was with the flying glass?

I pulled to the side of the road. The noise of traffic invaded my cab. The air was suddenly cooler, and filled with automobile fumes and adrenaline. I brushed the glass off my bare scalp and looked at the window behind me – or what was left of it. A small hole was held in place by the plastic which once tinted the glass.

I got out. Nothing on the road to indicate what happened. No cars were stopped or even seemed to care. I called the police and pulled into a car wash parking lot. Twenty minutes later I had an accident report. The responsible party was listed as the Colorado Division of Wildlife, but the real perpetrator would likely never be found. He or she was probably a hundred yards or more off the highway, hidden in brush, nursing a splitting headache and licking a fresh wound.

It was a close call for both of us…

But they sometimes say some really funny things…

Sammyball: “Dad. I’m going to color my turkey brown tonight.”

I smile and ask him, “Do you have homework?”

“No,” he says and points to the refrigerator. I study the heap of school papers tacked to the side of the appliance.  Various magnets are strategically positioned to keep the mess in place. One magnet displays a plumbing ad. It was likely ripped from our phone book in a desperate attempt to beef up the weak magnetic force required to keep the avalanche of papers at bay. Under it sits Sam’s reading calendar.

Every month he brings home a new calendar to chart his reading habits. When he reads he is supposed to color in that day’s picture. The days all have the same picture, but the picture is different each month. This month little turkeys mark the calendar.

“See,” he says, “my reading turkey. I’m going to color him brown tonight because turkeys are brown.”

“Yes,” I reply. ” Are you getting excited about Thanksgiving?”

“Uh-uh.” he says. “I’m going to color my turkey brown and put a red dot on him.”

“What’s the red dot?” I  ask.

“It’s where the turkey got shot.” Sammyball says. He ponders his statement for a moment before continuing, “You know, the turkeys on Thanksgiving have red dots on them from where the turkey was shot?”

I think I see where he’s going with this so I ask him another question. “So, when you get a turkey from the store and it has a red dot in it that’s where the turkey was shot?”

Without hesitation Sammyball answers, “Yes. That’s how you know it was shot.”

“Go tell your mom this.” I say. I want to share the humor with her before crushing his imaginative conclusion with the bland truth.

While my wife is busy laughing I notice my oldest son’s wheels turning. He’s overheard the conversation and has decided to chime in with his expertise.

“Well you know Dad, first they cut the turkey’s head off and then they shoot it and leave the red mark there so you know it’s dead.”
I think of the story my mom used to tell about her mother and the chicken that chased her around the yard after my Granddad cut of it’s head. Things sure would have been different if my sons had been there to take care of that bird.

In any event, I’m going to check my turkey for one of those red dots this Thanksgiving. If it’s not there I may just have to write the company to complain about the bird not being dispatched properly. Maybe then they’ll never look at a turkey the same again either.

Got the idea from Mopsy. Just the kind of lazy meme I can get behind.

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game (and survived the crush afterwards)
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk.
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe.
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad – and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life